be warned, dear reader, that the attitude and mindset of this blogger is not particularly in a happy place as she sits down to type.
sometimes it feels like the edges of reality are unstable–as if they are sheets of ice crumbling and falling into the fridge ocean. there are days that this insecurity is challenging and life giving; opening up opportunities to be innovate, creative, to speak of grace and peace when all seems to be in turmoil. there are days whenthe right tools are in the right hands, and rather than fall into the churning waters a well-timed ice pick sinks into the side of the bluff or a hand reaches over the edge creating a life-saving bind. today is not one of those days.
today is a day where the ice has fallen. its already crashed into the sea and is beyond saving. this outlook won’t last, but it is here and real for me, for now.
i am angry.
at some people’s attitudes or apathy.
with my own current bad attitude that is luring me to apathetic existence when my time where i am is running shorter and shorter. which stems more anger toward myself when others’ blind eyes and failure to really see drag me into their neagitive orbit.
money infuriates me. and the way that these stupid pieces of paper rule our lives and ruin so many. it infuriates me that rather than focus on our gifts and talents, or passions and true needs we are forced to focus on the monetary aspect of everything. assigning worth to one person’s life or abilities. i could just scream for want of a society where there was no money–where how much money i have did not determine my societal worth, how much education i am worth, if i get to eat healthy food or not, if we can be friends or not.
choosing to live simply has its virtues, i really believe that. but on days like today, where the edges crumble and threaten to throw people who look to me for assistance, and whom i greatly care for, into the swirling eddy of debt or literally departing with everything they own that hasn’t already been stolen just to attempt to break even makes me question simple living…volunteering…
a student that i sometimes assist recently had nearly everything he owns stolen from him, including some money he was carrying to the village on behalf of a teacher. (this teacher sent cash with the student to deliver to the teacher’s family to finish building a house.) the money was stolen. the student had placed the envelope in his duffel bag with nearly all of his earthly belongings. he and his brother were lucky to escape with their lives as those who rob along this road aren’t known to be kind thieves.
the teacher is demanding to be paid back.
the student and his family do not have that kind of money, and are considering selling part of their land to be able to resolve this “debt.” land that is supposed to be a part of his future. to repay money that was stolen.
and he comes, humbly, requesting assistance from me. who doesn’t have that much money, either. he will work for it, and for money to be able to buy a new mattress. (the raiders burned his…) bed sheets…shoes…
this news, the unbending of this teacher, and just the state of all things money in the world are just too much.
for now i’m going to deal with this by curling up in a little ball in bed. and then, when i’ve had my quarterly pout, i’m going to get up and do something about it. i don’t know what yet. but something creative. and life-giving. and reassuring and, i hope, something that will at least partially embody the grace and mischief of the jesus i follow. come, holy spirit, bind up these crumbling edges and make things right.