loss and grief. alone.

*

it rained in kotido today.
a nice downpour in the middle of the afternoon,
while everyone was home for lunch.

i went out on the veranda with the dog,
and stared at it for a while.

and thought,
“usually i would care about the rain.”

but, right now, i can’t seem to be bothered to care about much of anything.

well.
it comes and goes.
in fits and starts.

one moment, everything is okay-
and i’m going to work,
and enjoying being in uganda.

but then,
suddenly,
i realize that-
ah yes.
i’m grieving.
and this is what it feels like.

its terribly difficult to fathom that the sun has gone down and come up again.
and that people go on living their lives in whatever fashion they are used to living them in.

shouldn’t everything stop.
be still.
and mourn and grieve with us?

doesn’t the earth mourn the loss of a son?
who came from her clay?
the heavens mourn the loss of a musician?
whose talents they bestowed,
and are gone too soon?
shouldn’t the sun respect our desire for darkness-
for at least a day?
shouldn’t it?
shouldn’t they?

but they don’t.
we keep breathing air,
even though he doesn’t.
we keep living.

women still stand in line with their babies at WFP waiting for food so their babies can live.
and we still go to work.
eventually.
my body is here, but my mind is not.

we still go on.
as bitter and difficult
but true.
and god is still with us,
if we believe it or not.
and god didn’t will it.
and thats what keeps me going.

but it still sucks.

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2 thoughts on “loss and grief. alone.

  1. Hey – I don’t know who you are talking about specifically, but do understand.

    Sometimes, it just seems damn offensive that life goes on regardless of your own pain.

    Blessings as you walk through it all.

    Angela

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